Wouldn’t it be nice to get regular updates that let you know how things are really going in your relationships, especially your marriage? It seems like, at least with Daniel and I, that things will be moving along pretty well and then we hit a bump. Sometimes it just throws us off a bit and we go on our way, but other times it’s as if that “speed bump” just turned into a mountain and we’re picking up speed fast. Those moments of tension and irritation become lumped together creating momentum that only fuels the funk and builds up over time. Even though we can’t see it, marriage is it’s own entity. It can be temperamental when dismissed and just as much as your car demands your attention when the check engine light is on, your marriage will undoubtedly wreak havoc in pretty much every area of your life if neglected. On the road of marriage, we can find ourselves in one of 3 categories: in need of Maintenance, in need of a Tune-up (basic or major), or our Check-Engine light is on and we might even need a tow truck. Take a moment to think which stage you might be in and then we’ll help you know what to do next.
Maintenance
For most of us, routine maintenance on our cars is habit. We know the importance of regular oil changes, at least in my car gas is a must, and having tread on my tires is always in fashion. It gets a little trickier though when we’re trying to figure out how to “maintain” our marriage. Some helpful maintenance check-points would be to ask yourself and your spouse 3 questions:
Do we enjoy being around each other?
Do we communicate easily?
Do we rely on each other?
Not only do these questions offer a good, quick check-in on how your marriage is doing, hopefully it leads you to the next step which is to assess how your doing in 6 critical areas that can help keep your marriage “running smoothly.” Doctors John Gottman and his wife Julie are well-respected psychologists who have spent hours researching habits, hang-ups and break-throughs with couples. Daniel and I have benefited from their research and we also use many of their tips and techniques as we work with clients in private practice. The Gottman’s have identified 6 areas that when implemented only 6 hours per week, will prove to be a great diagnostic tool to assess how your marriage is doing and what areas may be in need of some maintenance.
6 hours a week
to a better relationship
PARTINGS: learn one thing that is happening in your partner's life that day before saying goodbye (2 min/day @ 5 working days)
REUNIONS: At the end of the day, share a hug and kiss that lasts at least 6 sec. A kiss worth coming home to. After the kiss, have a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 min (20 min/day @ 5 working days)
APPRECIATION & ADMIRATION: State something you appreciate about your partner tied with a trait you admire in your partner (5 min/day @ 7 days)
AFFECTION: Cuddle, kiss or hold hands before falling asleep (5 min/day @ 7 days)
DATE NIGHT: Ask open-ended questions. Focus on dreams, goals or even obstacles that increase connection, "Are you still thinking of redesigning the bathroom?" or "I'd love to take a vacation with you. Do you have any place in mind?" (2 hrs/1x a week)
STATE OF THE UNION: Spend one hour per week discussing areas of concern within the relationship. State what has gone well, next give each other 5 appreciations you haven't yet expressed and finally take turns discussing issues that may have arisen in the relationship. (1 hr a week)
We would argue that those 6 hours will be the best 6 hours you could spend and will work to improve your communication, reliance on one another and your enjoyment for each other.
Basic Tune-Up
I’m not sure about you, but Daniel and I tend to “love” our cars for a long time which means a tune-up is inevitable. If any marriage surpasses day one, they’re on their way to needing a tune-up at some point. The problem is not that marriages need tune-ups, it’s what we do about that need that matters most. Here are some signs your marriage is in need of a basic tune up:
Low level tension permeates the air and your conversations
One or both of you are keeping score of what is done or not done (expectations, requests, frustrations)
Less giving each other the benefit of the doubt
Some feelings that are usually present if your marriage is in need of a basic tune up:
Increased frustration with one another (intolerance & irritability)
Feeling less connected
Feeling misunderstood
If you’re finding yourself saying yes more than no to those lists of symptoms and feelings then the next step is to avoid, minimize and if possible, dismiss it…oh wait, that’s why we have an over 50% divorce rate in America. If you’ve read this far we know you’re serious about keeping your marriage in tip top shape so we’ve made a way to keep that momentum going:
Acknowledge it-be honest about the tension
Analyze it-diagnose the problem/focus in on what needs attention
Attack it-talk to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, do some research (a few recommended books: DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lisa Terkeurst, The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman)
Major Tune Up
When your car has gone a few thousand or maybe tens of thousands of miles over the recommended time to get a tune-up, you may be looking at some more serious problems. The same can be said for our marriages. The basic tune-up is the stage where misunderstanding and frustrations begin but if left unaddressed, they grow and spread to a marriage killer called contempt. Some signs your marriage is in need of a major tune up are:
You’ve been in this place of tension for awhile
One or both of you continue to avoid signals that the marriage is suffering
You move into roommate status
Some common feelings when your marriage is in need of a major tune up:
Frustration leads to bitterness
Feeling less connected leads to isolation and avoidance
Feeling misunderstood leads to self preservation and decreased vulnerability
If your marriage is in need of a major tune-up it most likely has been running rough for awhile. This is a tough place to be but this is most often when couples find their way to our counseling office. Major tune-ups take time, patience and intentionality and if you’re in this place, know that you’re also not alone.
What to do:
Acknowledge it-Enough is enough, marriage doesn’t have to be this hard
Analyze it-signs and symptoms unattended will only get worse
Attack it-you may need an unbiased perspective (call a pastor or counselor, someone who has been recommended in working with couples)
Check engine light
Sometimes marriage isn't just in need of a tune up but instead has a check engine light on. First, if there are one or more of what we call AAA (Addiction, Affair or Abuse) present, than your marriage is in need of immediate intervention. Contact a professional as soon as possible. However, not every marriage has to have AAA present to be in need of major help. There are two other A’s that are just as devastating for a marriage and those are:
Avoidance
Maybe you are finding yourself in a place avoiding the signs of a marriage in trouble. There may be an unwillingness to talk about issues or concerns for you or your spouse. Avoidance can also come in the form of dismissiveness or minimization of what is really happening.
or
Aggression
If aggression is a regular part of your marriage, one or all of the following qualities have become a regular intruder:
-Criticism (negative comments or responses about your spouses behavior or motives)
-Defensiveness (becoming extremely self-protective and denying personal responsibility)
-Contempt (expressing disgust for your partner, both verbally and non-verbally)
-Stonewalling (refusing to communicate in any way. May appear aloof or numb)
Some common feelings when your marriage has a check engine light on are:
No trust, no intimacy (not just sexually but truly feeling known and knowing your spouse), no vulnerability
Not feeling safe (emotionally) or connected
You would rather be apart than together
If your “Check Engine Light” is on, not only is your marriage in trouble, the damage has leaked into many areas of your life. When our marriages are suffering, our jobs, friendships and often multiple other areas have felt the agony for quite awhile. We have to choose to not live another day hoping things change without doing anything differently. We must:
Acknowledge it- Just as you would if your car was smoking, stop and attend to what's going on in your relationship
Analyze it-Recognize that you need a third party to help navigate these difficult roads. Be prepared to own your part in the problem. You can start by making a list of how you’ve contributed to the tension in your marriage.
Attack it-Refuse to let the damage continue to cause more damage. Choose to make today different than yesterday. One step you can take is to implement one of the 6 steps to a better relationship. We’d recommend choosing on of the first 5, while leaving the State of the Union for a time you can meet with a trained professional.
“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow-this is a human offering that can border on miraculous”
No matter where you may find your marriage at, implementing the 6 acts mentioned in the 6 hours to a better marriage will be a great start to any marriage. Even if the check engine light is on, identifying what areas in your marriage are going well (maybe your jobs are secure or you get a full night’s sleep because you might be past the baby phase) will help you to better diagnose and attack the areas that are causing the most damage. Choosing to take your car “to the shop” doesn’t have to be last resort or embarrassing. Acknowledging the symptoms and choosing to fix the cause often transforms and realigns the marriage. In our work with clients, we have seen marriages that have been in the “ditch” become flourishing marriages that make others take notice for the right reasons. Choosing to acknowledge what state your marriage is in takes courage but we all know that the choices we make today directly affect the way we experience our tomorrow. Choose to flourish!
Rennie’ Ann Simpson
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist @ Flourish
E. rennieasimpson@gmail.com